If Every NFL Quarterback Were a Star Wars Character

Epic duels, shootings in nightclubs, billions of dollars in production values, and the omnipresence of a sinister overlord who everyone agrees is a total queef sampler. The National Football League and Star Wars are more similar than meets the eye (Fuck off, Transformers). And since Roger Goodell and George Lucas are  both in the running for the title of World’s Biggest Asshat Who Ruins Everything and Cares Not for the Suffering of Concussed People (well, we nominate them if not), it’s hard not to notice other similarities in their respective beloved, addictive, trillion-dollar monstrosities. Drama comes down to characters, and the NFL and Star Wars have both in spades (even if the drama of Star Wars mostly consists of the nebulous wet dreams of a prepubescent boy obsessed with trade negotiations and throbbing, glowing swords). And while both universes feature thousands upon thousands of characters, we viewers really only give a shit about a few of them. So, to keep things simple, we’ve taken a look just at current NFL quarterbacks to see who their Star Wars counterparts are. The results represent a disturbance in the Force, which is to say that Brady is dropping a Dooku right now and Peyton is playing like a young Jedi Master despite his frail old body and green skin. Enjoy. Matt Schaub as Qui-Gon Jinn Sure, Matt Schaub is a pretty talented guy and a good quarterback. But…who fucking cares? Not even Liam Neeson’s intense gaze could make me give a fuck about Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub is as good at finding pick-six opportunities as Qui-Gon is at recognizing talent in disturbed young boys. Andrew Luck as Obi-Wan Kenobi Andrew Luck is smart and generally has his shit together. Will that prevent him from ultimately getting his shit rocked? Probably not. But he’s reliable, despite working with limited resources (no good back-up QB, state of Indiana, etc.). He might even play into old age if he stays  in the pocket long enough. Blaine Gabbert as Jar Jar Binks It’s a perfect match. They are both hilarious to watch but it’s sad to think about their lives. They are really the only people who literally just drive away fans and viewers. Christian Ponder as Boss Nass Because who doesn’t want to do this to Samantha Ponder? Joe Flacco as Queen Amidala Sure, they’re both pretty powerful and important people — but probably not as “elite” as they might think. Flacco, like Amidala, is always struggling to gain the respect of his peers, in large part because no one takes his homeworld seriously, but also because he’s just kind of a bitch. Jay Cutler as Young Anakin Skywalker An obnoxious, immature little douchelet with Diabetes and a whole lot of potential? Yep, sounds like both of these guys (there’s no conclusive evidence that Little Ani had Diabeetus, but his midi-chlorian count seems to suggest it).  Beyond that, Anakin is played by a very bad actor, and Jay Cutler is very bad at acting like he gives a shit about his fanbase. Tony Romo as Darth Maul In an idealized, amoral universe (read: fantasy football), Tony Romo isn’t that bad. Same goes for Darth Maul — there’s nothing that really makes him evil, just the fact that he happens to be evil. But they both happen to be part of an incredibly hated organization, and even embody all for which it stands. The only thing missing here is Darth Maul’s hot Jessica Simpson slampiece. Michael Vick as Sebulba You can probably see where we’re going with this one. Seedy bastards with criminally abusive habits, who also happen to be fast in their respective sports. Ben Roethlisberger as Tusken Raiders You saw what they did to Shmi Skywalker. Drew Brees as Mace Windu Sure, everyone loves these guys. They’re skilled, powerful, decent human beings. But do we really give a shit about these guys, or do we just feel sorry for them after all the bullshit thrust upon them? (Katrina, Bounty-gate, arm being chopped off by someone he trusted, etc.) Sam Bradford as Jedi With Tall Head Didn’t really know where else to put him, but felt that he deserved a shoutout. And even though this guy has a name, does anyone really pay attention to him? Tom Brady as Count Dooku Brady is brilliant and beloved by many, but all said and done, he — like Dooku — is really just the pawn in a larger plot instituted by the Sith (who obviously represent Bill Belichick). He is still powerful enough to keep up with the greats despite being a veteran. He also thinks he has way more swag than he actually does. I mean, Uggs? A cape? Come on. Matt Ryan as General Grievous Sure, they’re “elite.” But everyone also forgets they exist and can’t help but wonder why we care when they’re ultimately so irrelevant in the big scheme of things. Plus, Matt Ryan — like Grievous — fails to deliver when it counts. Brian Hoyer as Jedi Younglings Who Get Slaughtered By Anakin It doesn’t even feel good making this joke. Matt Stafford as Luke Skywalker Stafford, like Skywalker, is young and quite talented. However, there are some barriers standing between him and his potential — mainly the fact that he lives in a really shitty place (Detroit = Mos Eisley, prove me wrong). Luke realized his potential by traveling to one of the few places shittier than Mos Eisley (Hoth, Dagobah, Jabba’s Palace), which leads us to believe that Stafford can only get better by getting traded to either Cleveland or Green Bay. Andy Dalton as Princess Leia Princess Leia is an oddly powerful character in Star Wars. Besides having some form of political power, she is somehow a decent fighter and cunning strategist. However, no one really knows how she came to be that way. Sort of like Andy Dalton. Who the fuck even is Andy Dalton? Like Leia, he is someone who seems competent, but not really enough to make much of […]